To the Stranger who Changed my Life: F.M.P

The beach in Ras Tanura taken July 27, 2024

 

Dear F**R**** M** P****,

Falling in love with you since the summer of April 2024, gave me so much challenges in terms of my emotions, my mental health and even my physical health. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit naging ganoon katindi yung feelings ko with you the fact na hindi pa naman tayo nagkikita. Though I attempted, fate and circumstances are yelling at me that our connection is not meant to flourish that after going to RT, I decided to finally give up chasing you and trying out my best to reach you. After that incident, my mental health got so much worse, the lost of my pride and intense desperation of being close to you gave me depression and so much anxiety that I hate my self everyday for the mistakes and wrong decisions that I took. It was like a deep cut wound that I am trying so hard to heal everyday na ang hirap kasi I am shrouded by guilt and hatred to myself. The extreme sadness of accepting the fact na baka hindi na tayo maging friends pa ever again when deep inside my heart, that I love you so much it hurts like hell everyday.

My heartbreak with you brought me so much negative consequences that I even ask God everytime "Lord, sino ba itong taong ito? Bakit ganito nalang yung feelings ko para sa kanya? Technically, we were strangers. I also have not known her for that long? Who is she? What is her purpose in my life? Why are we destined to know each other when it would just bring conflicts and pain in me?" These psychological wounds are too much for a person na hindi ko pa naman lubos na kilala. Sometimes, I am fooling myself na hindi naman talaga kita mahal. Like, baka na challenge lang ako, na hindi ko natanggap that I was rejected, maraming defense mechanisms ang gusto mag contradict but I still feel this deep emotions for you.

Not even the psychics, the Tarot Readers could discern the purpose of this connection. They just said na someday, in the future magkikita tayo kapag nalaman na natin or ako lang yung purpose ng connection na ito. This is the most mysterious feeling that I had with someone na kakaiba. Iba ka sa lahat. I don't know, kahit sa sarili ko hindi ko maintindihan kung anong nangyari sa akin bakit ang tindi tindi ng feelings ko para sayo.

My life has been in pain for months now and marami ng na compromise, mejo nasira yung cycle ko, naiba yung attitude and moods ko. My life turned upside down because of this desperation. Kaya now, if not forcing myself, I am now letting go of these feeling of this love or whatever it is. Gusto ko ng ipaubaya kay God yung damdamin ko para sayo para makausad na din. I can't be like this forever. Syempre gusto ko din i bring back my power, my will and my healthy outlook na nawala sakin simula nung nadurog ang puso ko. Siguro si God nalang yung makakapagsabi balang araw kung ano ba talaga ang purpose na nakilala kita at minahal kita kahit hindi pa tayo nagkikita. I know maraming lessons ang gusto Niya ituro sa akin.

Yes, you are right in the last time we talked. Marami nga akong toxic traits, masasamang attitude at tama ka when you said "Mabuti nalang." because I really don't deserve you. Sarili ko lang lagi iniisip ko and pinipilit yung gusto. Though intense yung emotions natin that time, I think I should still think about it constructively. Yung mga sinabi mo sa akin na negative traits ko are those traits that I need to improve in myself. Thank you for making me realize them. I sincerely thank you for waking me up to improve myself and gumising sa katotohanan. Baka nga ito na yung purpose ni God for knowing YOU - ang iparamdam sa akin yung mga kailangan ko baguhin sa sarili ko. TO BE A BETTER PERSON.

One thing that I also learned of this heartbreak ay yung natuto ako lumapit kay God. Mas natutunan ko mag PRAY wholeheartedly at humingi ng sorry sa mga bagay that I created out of my emotions and impulsivity. Ra***, IKAW ANG NAGLAPIT SA AKIN SA KANYA. Kung nasaan ka man ngayon SALAMAT., inilapit mo ako sa kay God ulit. A self centered person like me who cannot easily accept rejection and failure ay natutunan magpaka HUMBLE at HUMINGI NG TAWAD kay GOD at sa mga people around me. Kahit na marami tayong conflicts at sobra akong nasaktan, itong feelings ko sayo yung naging tulay ko para marealize and mga bagay na kailangan ko para maging mas MABUTING TAO. Salamat, for coming into my Life for a brief time.

Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan magsstay sa puso ko itong pagmamahal ko para sayo pero ang gusto ko nalang isipin, yung lessons at realizations ko dahil dito. For the last time, ayoko pilitin na i reject at ika galit sa sarili ko na minahal kita. Gusto ko i consider ang feeling na to as a BLESSING to me. Hindi ko din alam kung papahintulutan pa tayo ng Universe at ni God na magkita sa future pero kung sakali man na mangyari yun, sana wala ng sakit, galit at annoyance and mamagitan sa ating dalawa. Hindi na ako umaasa pero kung gustuhin man ni Lord yun, balang araw gusto ko makikita kitang masaya at sa time na yun, there would be smiles on our faces and lightness on both our beings unlike sa mga nangyari. Natatakpan man ng darkness, annoyance, hate at pain ang connection natin and I need to let go of my hopes pero I know, powerful ang prayers - I will always pray for healing between us. Patawarin mo ako Ra*** sa mga conflicts na nangyari. Kahit hindi na tayo nag uusap, ipapasabi ko nalang kay GOD through my prayers na SORRY. And especially, I am so SORRY that I LOVE YOU.

All I have in my heart right now are the prayers na masaya ka, safe at healthy palagi. Wala akong ititira sa puso ko in your memory kung hindi ang unconditional na pagmamahal. Mahal kita. Sobra. Baka hindi ko na masabi ito sayo ever. Kaya here in this blog letter, for the last time - I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

-Flordeliz Fullo